Today's Cross


Now that I'm more comfortable in food and housing (housing--weeell) my will is not so pliant and soft in His hands; I don't NEED . . . . so suddenly I am allowing more distance from my beloved. . . . .

But in reality, "survival" has so many levels. And I'm at a different one today. But still "surviving"--saying "yes" to another day--another YEAR here, feels like barely breathing.

But I must make it into more-than mere breathing I must make-a real effort to live fully while here--the way He would have me live. Casting off my own will like a heavy and dark coat or-- a hair shirt. Something I'm wearing to punish myself to make my suffering more blatant=--saying "no" I will not enjoy this! This part is NOT my idea of fun.

And so really, what else is new? None of this walk has ever really been fun. It's been a hard uphill climb, emotionally, mentally and physically too. But spiritually it has been all blessed; heaven kissed. And all upward progression.

I asked for this I think. I wanted, ever since I've known Him, to become a spiritual "giant". (which means, of course, I would become the least in the kingdom and on earth too)--I wanted to be clean and whole inside--a beautiful, well heeled soul--forgiven and grateful, humble and full of His joy--and with a willing heart too---

Yet I know the outward way of suffering is the only way to these. So, I enter a new phase of suffering-- that leads to a new freedom. The chains are on--outwardly and inwardly too. Yet I must be bound so that He may free me. In every way.

Turn this life inside out and the truth falls out of the pockets like change, out of a dirty pair of jeans, headed for the washer.